Sunday, 28 August 2016

I'm having some time off and it feels...ok

I'm going to work through some issues here if no-one minds? Well, no-one's reading anyway so, who cares?

I've got almost a week off work this week and I'm ok about it. This is 'a thing' because 2 or 3 weeks ago my manager told me I need to use my holiday up and I had a full meltdown (on my own, not in front of her) when I realised I had to take a week off work and had nothing to do. I mean, I had the full on fear. Like the end of the world was coming. Like something terrible had happened. I was inconsolable.

So why did I feel so bad? Because I know if I have time off work and I have nothing to do, I will 'go to the dark side'. So in anticipation of feeling anxious and fed up, I get anxious and fed up. This time I actually panicked. I think I was feeling low anyway. I was bored at work. My manager had just come back from a 2 week holiday and would not stop talking about it, which intensified my lamentation about my boredom and lack of holiday. Boredom at work, or anywhere, means I have time to think about things and then I get stuck in a cycle of bad thoughts.

The thing is, there are actually things to do. There are books to read, shows to watch, films to watch, cleaning to do, even gardening. But because I've got myself stuck in these thoughts, none of these things are do-able. It feels wrong to do them. It feels like a waste of time. Even though I want to waste time. I am nothing if not a person of contradictions, hey?

I should be doing that thing that will make me a better person. Like organising a trip to the fucking Amazon to save the rainforest or something else I would hate. Or getting a better job and a better house and a better body and a better personality. Or having fun with friends. Because they are worthy things to be doing. What I might want to do, is not the right thing to do, because I want to do it. I think that's the nitty gritty of it. If I think about it. What I should be doing is what everyone else thinks I should be doing, as it's only their opinions that matter.

So why do I feel ok at the prospect of a week off this week? Because I have plans. I am taking a short trip to London and staying with a friend. It's actually only two nights and one full day, but it's enough. It feels like an adventure as I'm going on my own (minus partner) so I have to find my own way around the hectic city where all the cool stuff happens, and I'll do different things as I'm with my friend rather than my partner. I had to put myself out there and arrange to be sociable, to stay in someone's house, no less. I usually avoid these things, because it's easier not to be sociable. But in a moment of panic, I proposed this plan to my friend. She said it was kind for me to think of her. I told her I was not doing it to be kind to her, I was doing it because I felt I would have a mental breakdown if I didn't do it.

I also feel ok about this week because I've been busy at work so I don't feel so low as I did in previous weeks. I suppose it feels ok to have time off work because I've been actually working. I have done a lot of lying around watching Reading Festival on iplayer this weekend and that is ok.

Yes, so I feel ok about it because I don't feel as low as I have done.

Going back to my previous post. That obsession has lessened too. It's still there but it's not taking over my life. It's now an interest rather than an obsession and, again, that is because I am busy again and have distractions and am generally feeling better.

So I guess this post is telling any (unlikely) reader, that I'm feeling a bit better. Though I say that with caution, because who knows what doldrums I'll end up throwing myself into tomorrow.

I suppose something I need to address is how I handle boredom. It makes me feel like death. Working where I work, there is a cycle, so I can predict boredom like this occurring again at a similar time next year and I simply cannot have another summer like the one I have just had.

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