Sunday, 5 February 2017


I've been seeing a counsellor through a confidential scheme offered by my work.

I've had 3 sessions out of an available 8 and it's been ok in that it hasn't been hard or scary, but then it hasn't actually helped.

So far I have described what I do and how I feel and she has responded to me, made some comments about my faulty thinking and tried to get to the root of a few things. She has described some 'models' that make sense that I can apply to my behaviour, like transactional analysis. However, we haven't looked at any techniques I could use to get out of the anxious states I get into or to help avoid things getting that far or to get to that better place in the transactional analysis model.

She keeps pulling out poems and pieces of writing from her folder. I read them but they're not going to make things ok are they? I feel like my world is ending. A passage from an Indian elder or Nelson Mandela just doesn't cut it.

She says she's not into parent bashing but she keeps going back to my childhood. I think my childhood has a part to play in my shyness and lack of confidence but I don't believe there's much there that has led to my current difficulties with anxiety and low mood, but low confidence and self esteem definitely contribute to it.

In response to my difficulties in coping with having time off work she asks was I told off for daydreaming as a child? No. Was I pushed to achieve? No. Am I struggling with having free time now because of how I didn't allow myself free time while at uni? No I'm struggling now for the same reasons I was then.

I suppose I am less interested in discovering The Cause because I can see it has a lot of contributing factors and it's not as simple as finding the cause and working on it. I need ways to avoid falling into the pit of despair I get into and ways to cope with it when I do.

She is an experienced therapist and has all these certificates, she even does hypnotherapy. Maybe she just doesn't do CBT. Maybe I am judging her too much against the counsellor I had years ago.

I have mentioned to her that it's all very well looking at these things but they don't mean anything when you feel like you're doomed and everything is as awful as it could possibly be. She actually asked last time whether the things we have covered has helped. I told her that I didn't feel we had worked on enough techniques that might help, all the while trying not to be rude or offend her. She nodded and 'mmmm'ed.

Next time I see her I will tell her I need some advice and techniques.

I think there are different types of counsellors. I was 'matched' to this one by location-perhaps not that helpful. The thing is these are my allocated sessions and once they're over, I think that's it. My next option is the NHS provision. I started that but gave up when it turned out to be a guy printing stuff off the internet for me to read, or, a group session, which is a great idea for anxiety sufferers, isn't it?

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